What we can learn from toddlers

I’m trying, once more, to encourage my granddaughter to have a bit more to eat.  At 17 months, she has a great little vocabulary already and an even more well-developed set of body language tools.  She instinctively puts her hand out and pushes away my hand and the spoon it’s holding. “Nnnooo” she says, emphatically.

“Shall we sit down and read a book?” I ask her.

“No!”

“Shall we put your shoes on?”

“No!”

At this stage in development, her Theory of Mind is not yet fully developed.

Theory of Mind (ToM), is the ability to understand that those around us also have feelings.  It is to understand that other people have thoughts, desires and feelings that may not necessarily be the same as our own.

Studies of the evolution of ToM believe it to have been a response that developed to help early primates deal with complex social interactions.   Indeed, ToM behaviour is found in non-human primates today.  Some studies also believe it developed to help us to detect deception in others.

ToM allows us to have an understanding of what others may or may not be thinking.  This, in turn, allows us to attempt to predict others’ behaviour, what they may or may not be feeling and what they might or might not do next.

As we develop ToM and our social interaction skills develop, we are more aware of the effects of our words and actions on others.  As we further grow, our social development is very much influenced by those around us who are responsible for our care.   In an emotionally intelligent and healthy environment, children will learn how to express themselves in ways that allow them to learn, accept feedback and develop.  In less emotionally stable environments, children may learn that it’s best not express themselves in order to keep a steady state.

As adults, we often find it difficult to say “No” without entering in to an extensive explanation as to why.  For example, turning down an invitation.  Instead of simply saying, “Thank you for inviting me.  I can’t make it this time,” we might go on to give a detailed an elaborate reason as to why (which may or may not be true).  If you’re someone who finds it difficult to say “No” without providing a short essay as to why, this could be a behaviour developed from a young age where you felt a responsibiity for other people’s feelings.

As with most behaviours in life, anything we have learned we can unlearn.

Let’s take a lesson from toddlers.  They’re not really thinking about how their saying “No” is impacting on you and in most cases, we don’t actually take it personally, do we?   Although, sometimes, when “No” is accompanied by the launching of sweet potato mash across the table, it can be difficult not to laugh.